Doomsday Exit Services

Do not fool yourself with cheerful headlines, sweet lies and accommodating life scenarios; the Doom is near and we know it. It will strike and knock down all those who rely in vain on their daily wisdom and omnipresent propaganda of continuity. Develop your Doomsday Exit Strategy early with an assistance of our professional services ensuring a decisive advantage over all those who do not care. Our dedicated team of doomsday experts has carefully designed and tested our three confidential products just for you:

Subscribe to Quarterly Doomsday Forecasts Review reporting all major doomsday alerts, warnings, predictions and notifications coming from religious and secular authorities, media, science organizations, arts world, emerging and established prophets, newly discovered ancient manuscripts, and a judicious selection of credible-looking communications from major mental institutions. Info on each individual doomsday will typically contain doomsday date, its moral, material, religious or/and metaphysical reason, as well as the likely mode and course of total destruction. Annual subscription at our special discount price 120 000 USD. Our exclusive Bonus for the first 100 subscribers – full advance payback for the Doomsday quarter.

Order regularly updated Global depravity index measuring the latest accumulation of evil, injustice, corruption and arrogance for your own informed judgement about doomsday risk & likelihood. Pay only 15 000 USD for summary data and 25 000 USD for a detailed report.

Order last minute body & mind relaxation for your smoother entry to the Beyond. Our drugs free service will be delivered at the venue of your choice by our undercover staff posing as medical personnel for your confidentiality and Doomsday panic avoidance. Three hours session, including paralytic hypnosis exercise – 30 000 USD.
(Please book and prepay at least 168 hours before the End of World for timely service)

Contact us by totallysurest@yahoo.com to order

Boost your self-importance

You need a boost. We are proud to unveil our new service for those whose sense of self-importance was damaged by bad education, failures in relationships and professional life or, in most cases, by sloppy genetic code. Many people pretend to be happy as if enforced grinning may change things.But let’s face it, most probably:

1. You are a complete and utter misfit
2. Nobody cares about you
3. Your chances of getting on with life make you laugh
4. Your multiple IQ tests yield desperate results, despite careful advance study of correct replies
5. Results of your numerous emotional intelligence tests were never shown to you not to deal a last and decisive blow
6. You prefer people to show pity rather than disgust towards you, but it happens rarely
7. You correctly suspect that society might well do without you simply because there is too much evidence around to ignore it.

Is that the end? Are you approaching an abyss? If yes, we can be your bridge. Do you want to learn how? Join our Society for the Relief of Dwarfs.
Our activities include

• Positive contents mailing (non-fact based, instant satisfaction guarantee)
• In-house flattering exercises (including intensive oral empathy theraphy)
• Worse cases crash course (rated visual materials available at request)
• Mutual praising games (latest touchy-feely approaches applied)
• Love and attention service (for platinum membership card holders only)

“Forget shares, options, futures. Invest to yourself” (quoted from Sigmund Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams)

Monthly membership only 5000 $
Platinum monthly membership 7000 $

For payment details contact totallysurest@yahoo.com

Keep yourself busy

In the age of material affluence and social security many of you face a challenge of time. For many of you time is no more a rapidly vanishing present or a pack of deadlines chasing you relentlessly. It has become the most oppressive aspect of your existence, slowly but surely expanding the desert of boredom in your inner universe.

Watching TV, surfing the net, reading, thinking or/and practicing sex, wandering helplessly in shopping areas, fast-driving, eating and drinking, taking drugs, working a bit and even compulsive talking to people who still agree to listen – a usual assortment of tricks to cheat time - no longer works. There should be better ways to speed up the
passage of time somewhere…

Consider yourself lucky: Our Keep Yourself Busy or 10 proven Ways of Effective Time Wastage guidebook (Copyright: totallysurest, 2008) will provide you with an instant insight into how to deal with this XXI century plague without spending much money, medical intervention or cooperating with others.

Our expertise was gained through the multi-year observation of upper middle class and rich people, analysis of tape-recorded therapeutic sessions of patients who were hit most severely by time and harmless experiments with animals.

We sell our expertise at the knock-out price of just 16 000 USD, because we are not after profits. The whole income from the sale of the guidebook will be used to cover our research and subsistence costs. As an exceptional offer we publish one of the ways free of charge, so you will have to pay only for the remaining 9 ways:

WAY No 1: Buy at least 10 boxes of matches and count the quantity of matches in each box. Put the figures on paper. Wait for a few hours buy 10 more boxes of matches. Count the quantity of matches in each box, put down the figures on paper and compare them with the previous ones. Spend a few subsequent hours on waiting for the repeat of the same purchasing and counting operation. Do the figures. Now you can spot the trend. Find the relevant telephone number on one of the boxes and call the manufacturer about missing matches.

To pay 16 000 USD non-profit price for your original hand-written copy of the guidebook contact us by totallysurest@yahoo.com

Business Farting

Farting can be a problem for people with low self-esteem, but the latest survey conducted among chief executives of top 500 US and EU companies shows that it may be conquering the world of business.

• Over 95% of the respondents confessed of farting during such important events as board meetings, shareholder conventions or merger negotiations.

• More than half of them did it “with considerable noise” and even 20% did not try to hide the authorship ( 7 % of public farters, mainly from retail trade sector, tried to blame others).

• While most of the respondents (75%) were not entirely happy about the smell and would readily embrace any dietary or medical solution improving it or offering a choice, 85% said they were entirely satisfied with the sound. 15% confirmed that they employ their backside muscles to extract more pleasurable or amusing noises.

• Not surprisingly, 3 % of respondents confirmed that regular public farting accompanied by considerable sound effects and the lack of shame consitutes an integral part of their identity as business leaders. Analysts say this figure is likely to grow in future because of increasing global competition.

You can order a detailed survey report Business Farting by sending a request to totallysurest@yahoo.com . Hardcover price: 1244 USD. Order no less than 4 copies.

Connecting People

Connecting people
As a prolific author he was producing five to ten pages of text each day. Nothing could stop him from scribbling down his opinions, impressions and accounts of events. Not a single smallest trifle escaped his description. Hardcover volumes of his notes were filling wooden shelves in the Attic of his house one after another. He never produced anything of interest to anybody else. The stuff he wrote was boring his views were trivial and predictable, besides his handwriting was almost unreadable.Maybe you would like to pose him a question or send him a message? Please do not hesitate to contact us if you feel sympathetic about this man by writing to totallysurest@yahoo.com

Buy nothing at net cost prices

Due to our increased production capabilities we are starting a dumping down sale season of selling nothing.

Our products are easy and safe to use, environment friendly and will cost you just a fraction of your income which you will waste anyway.

By buying our products you will contribute to the reduction of green gas effect, fair redistribution of global financial resources and the survival of the fittest.

Complete and utter nothingness – standard product, including all features for your complete customer satisfaction– 7000USD.

Hand made nonbeing – the limited edition of products made by using traditional popular craft technologies, usually bough as collector’s item – 15 000 USD.

Petite non-existence – due to its minute size and fragility advised for the indoor consumption only – 4500 USD.

Pure absence – basic no-frills product, but still reliable, for savers – 2000 USD.

Eternal non-presence – newly developed budget product with time removal button - 1000 USD.

Thoroughly void emptiness – product still containing time and space, but enhanced with an up-to-date automatic appearance reduction function, for amateurs at bankruptcy price of 750 USD.

Submit a complaint if you find anything after unwrapping our package and we will refund you with our gift coupons entitling you to buy nothing at a further discount. We guarantee 100% quality of our products. For purchasing information contact our sales department totallysurest@yahoo.com

Lethal Attraction for Visitors and Investors

It is morbid, ugly and ominous
Even your subconscious can not bear it
And it is Huge

It constantly moves and changes
It constantly tries to escape

It does not belong to this Earth
Neither it is accessible through
Anybody else except us

We keep it safely closed
In a dead-proof Security Box

Do you want to see it?
Do you really want to see it?

You will be able to observe it
Dimly lit through a little hole
Drilled just recently for
Our Most Special visitors

It is disgustingly cold and sticky
And rotten to perfection
Just in order to make you sick

You can drip it on your fingers, face
And any other bodily part or eat it
By using a limited dosage tap
Attached to the Security Box

It is fatally dangerous and may cause
Pain, derangement and self-destruction

You can succumb to its feral lure
And drive yourself to your limits
By being plunged into it fully for
60 most horrible seconds of your life

All you need is to pay us 450 000 USD (600 000 USD for couples)
In advance, wait for a month or two
Loyally and accept our invitation to the Encounter

Currently we offer free of charge medical examination, psychotherapy and a taxi to the airport after your Encounter.

Contact us by totallysurest@yahoo.com for details and investment opportunities

Fast Track Wisdom Distance Learning Course

Tools for your mental development
Dear Customer, You are lucky to learn that our team of qualified experts developed five fundamental insights about the human nature just for your exclusive avail. Yes, you can effectively use them in daily communication, decision-making, business negotiations, parenting, life-long learning activities and many other occupations.

As you are well aware our products do not need much advertising, but let it be known to you that these insights have already helped many people to fight depression, solitude, shyness, excessive politeness and compulsive body scratching if used together with our comments and explanations.

Importantly, we offer all these insights free of charge and you will have to pay only for handwritten comments and explanations which will be dispatched to you by our experts as soon as your money reaches our bank account. It is vital for you to understand that the insights alone do not work. Taken literally they can even be harmfull to you, your family and friends. We strongly advise you to buy our “Comments and Explanations Package” for a discount price or acquire comments and explanations for each insight separately. The following are our insights with price information for further comments and explanations:

1. Humans are pretty the same. Please, do not hesitate to pay 185 USD for further information on this insight. You will be surprised to learn how many shocking revelations come with it.

2. Humans tend to be boring to each other Despite the disappointment it initially causes this insight brings you the sense of liberation if backed up with further information from us just for 245 USD.

3. Humans waste most of their time for communication The competitive price of 55 USD for further information on this insight reflects our aspiration to serve the needs of low-income customers who can not afford our more expensive or luxury products.

4.Their self-importance is even funny sometimes Production costs of this insight appeared to be much higher than initially planned but we offer further information on it only for 1050 USD as a marginal profit price for customer satisfaction.

5.One should not pay much attention to them For further information on this insight which will help you to avoid most of the stress-related health problems we ask only 505 USD.

Our discount package of “Comments and Explanations” which includes further information on all five insights is available at the price of 1750 USD. Please, order our insights by writing to totallysurest@yahoo.com

Cheap Ethics Software

Dear Customers,

We are proud to supply you with cheap and reliable technology to boost your ethical competence, moral expertise and fair judgment capacity, qualities that expire so quickly in your hectic business life, family routines and brighter future planning. DaFGMI (Definite and Final Godly Message Interpretation) technology was designed by our interdisciplinary team consisting of leading IT specialists, cross-culture consultants, psychotherapists, media analysts, linguists, fiction writers and some religious people.

DaFGMI is simple and user-friendly. Most importantly it is a great fun!

DaFGMI produces computer generated interpretative statements on selected fragments of holy texts of major religions. Feed DaFGMI meaning compilation engine with your keywords and you will receive your unique interpretation reflecting your social status, ethnic origin, dietary preferences and even physical appearance.

Special Feature for Christians: Interchangeable interpretations of Ten Commandments (from 5 to 12 thousand words for each Commandment). Choose your own interpretation according to your Zodiac sign, sexual orientation and body mass index.

By using DaFGMI technology you will:
* Enhance your conviction of yourself as decent and nice person
* Receive tools to further sophisticate your moral imagination
* Acquire skills necessary to teach others important life lessons

We sell DaFGMI directly, so you will be charged a warehouse price. Please note that our price is not likely to drop and it is better not to wait until others take a moral advantage of you.
Price: Standard DaFGMI version with subscription for ethical updates – 13500 USD. You can download software and instructions after you pay online. Contact our sales department at totallysurest@yahoo.com

Dump your Million

This is a special announcement for our VIP clients.

We strongly recommend the poor and the middle class and even upper middle class people to discontinue reading this message. This is neither for you to understand nor take part into. You better click out of this page immediately. Thank you and good-bye.

Our VIP clients are refined personalities with buckloads of money and an appetite for the grand gesture. They dare to step aside from well-trodden paths of investing for profit, spending money for their personal and family pleasures only, supporting usual charitable causes. Driven by the strong urge for instant fulfillment not followed by the sense of moral hangover they look for the new ways of getting rid of their money. Yet finding these ways is not easy. In most of the cases they are forced to part with their money in a pretty regular fashion by using their own social networks and thus frustrating their deepest wish of going beyond the world of rational choice and calculated decisions.

But we are here, Dear Friends, to serve you! We offer you to dump your 1000000 $ (one million dollars of the United States of America) just like that with no strings or small print attached.

Contact us by email totallysurest@yahoo.com and we will discuss how you can do it quickly from the comfort of your home or office if you prefer. We offer you 12 days change-our-mind service as a bonus, which means that you can get back at least part of your one million dollars if we decide that we do not need your money.

So Dump It! This is the only chance to dump your money for the benefit of a person whom you never met and who will remain totally anonymous afterwards, the person who belongs to an entirely alien social world, has absolutely different tastes, mindset and life objectives. So do not think just dump it.

The only thing we request in return for our service is a short one page description of your thoughts about the transfer of one million dollars to the anonymous beneficiary. Our requirements for the description:

Title: “My Thoughts About Delivering One Million USD to a Complete Stranger”

Page set up orientation: Portrait

Font: Times New Roman

Font size: 12

Font Color: Black (red is acceptable if justified properly)

Line spacing: 1,5 lines

Descriptions containing any other visual objects, except text (such us pictures), will not be processed. Send your description to totallysurest@yahoo.comFeel free to express yourself as you wish. Strong language, slang, foreign words, rarely used technical terms necessary to describe your mental status are acceptable. Your description may be published in this webpage at your request free of charge.

Please note, that we will not confirm the receipt of your money before we get the description.

End of the season sale

Dear customers,

We are glad to inform you - rationalism is dead.

For your comfort and safety please contact us on how to pay a clearance price of 800 USD for providing more details by writing to totallysurest@yahoo.com

Cash disposal service

Latest research shows that giving away money to anonymous applicants who do not necessarily reveal how the money will be spent brings psychological relief and long term mood improvement for affluent people affected by boredom. Experiments conducted with a group of volunteers in several European countries and North America have shown the consistent 90 % mood improvement. Some volunteers reported about considerable improvement in their sex lives. Donating money to the known causes and charities appeared to be considerably less beneficial to the benefactors and some of them even suffered temporary deterioration following the experiment.

TRY IT YOURSELF

We offer confidential cash acceptance service to all those who want to make their lives meaningful. Transfer any amounts of your money to us in order to make yourself happy. You will be awarded a special diploma certifying your donation. We issue several types of diplomas, depending on the size of your donation. Give us no less than 5000 USD and we will send you special hard-cover gold-plated diploma with Donor Medal of Honour. Send your email to totallysurest@yahoo.com for further information.

Stupid Idiot Online Emergency Service

Now you do not have to suffer anymore just because your IQ is so low!

SIOES (Stupid Idiot Online Emergency Service) is not to show you how to cope with the fact that your mental performance is on the low gear. We do not think it is a problem. We know that it is your advantage. To understand this simple truth you do not need to pay a lot. But you need to pay to somebody who knows it for sure. SIOES provides you with online services and memorabilia for really stupid people. We are emergency, because we know how urgently you need us. Just write to us totallysurest@yahoo.com and we will help you. The following are SIOES “good value for money” services:

E-delivered Moron enthusiam injections. SIOES does not want to disclose too many details about this particular service. Its methodology is based on prepayment period secrecy and the best results are achieved when the genuinely stupid person gets full information about its benefits only after paying the first installment of 1300 USD.

Gift-packed Dumb Pride Diploma of SIOES user. It stresses your low intellectual status in a visible way, so that other people could have a clear idea that your idiocy requires treatment equal to the one given to high intellectual capabilities of other individuals. Diploma is ready made for hanging it on the wall at your home or an office. Stock clearance price - 4500 USD, post and package included. Put you picture in the Diploma for supplementary payment of 150 USD!

Access to Tiny Brain Power registered SIOES users online forum. Here we share stories of empowerment. You will learn how your minute mental resources can earn you success in business and stardom in media. You will read fully verified accounts about captains of the industry, business fat cats, statesmen and stateswomen and entertainment celebrities whose amazing stupidity propelled them to the very top. Monthly membership fee, excluding weekends (when most of the idiots spend their time online) - 1200 USD, including weekends 1500 USD.

If you feel that your human rights and dignity were abused just because you are stupid SIOEN will provide you with Legal Advice Service. We will work on your case further if we see that you can claim for compensation from your national authorities and international organizations. Imagine, loads of cash at your fingertips, just because you are so stupid! First consultation fee 1450 USD, all further payments agreed upon mutually only if you are really stupid.

To get more information on SIOES services contact by totallysurest@yahoo.com. We will charge you fair price for each extra info pack supplied.

There might be a little problem: you do not know that you are an idiot. Do not worry, just contact us by totallysurest@yahoo.com immediately. We know the answer and we know that you know that we know it. So why not to make sure that you know what we know just for a small fee of 750 USD? SIOES guarantees 100 % chance of Stupid Idiot approval chance for everybody.You may ask, why would someone need to know it? Happy you, it is stupid to ask this question and it makes you eligible to 10 % discount for SIOES services!

You can also buy all SIOES services for your friend, order them and leave the rest for us.

Secret sharing made simple

Reach out for our secret sharing network. We expose your secrets on your behalf to individuals, institutions and communities of your choice. Just tell us what you would like to share with and we will report the others about your secrets charging you the minimum market price. See our pricelist:
* Your sexual life (adultery, impotence, perversities, rejections, virginity, indecent behaviour, sick fantasies) 1600 – 2200 USD per secret sharing, 20 % discount if more than two secrets of different nature shared (e.g. adultery plus impotence).
* Your financial situation (regular income and expenditure statistics, confidential bank account details and credit card pin codes, loan problems and mismanagement of personal finances) 1500 – 2100 USD per secret sharing. No discounts. Credit cards accepted and used for income redistribution purposes.
* Your home & family (childhood traumas, day-to-day partner lies, unwanted kin communication) 3500- 5000 USD per secret sharing. Free of charge text-book based email therapy offered as bonus when you order more than two secret sharings.
* Your work & career (workplace sins, incompetence, laziness, stupid boss problem, petty office theft) 1300 – 2800 USD per secret sharing. 50% discount for each secret sharing with family members.
* Your friends (gossips, your true thoughts about your friend, secrets that can damage your friend’s reputation). Only genuinely discrediting information accepted. We promise that it will take no longer than 24 hours for our verification team to assess your claims before they are given a green light for the delivery to recipients. Price per secret 2400 USD – 4300 USD.

No need to speak up. Let us do the dirty job. Just give contact details of those who shall know and wait for their reaction.

You can also order secret keeping service which allows you to keep your secrets with us. We charge 20 % less for each secret sharing if you choose this option. We will keep the secret for one year and then drop it for universal use. You can cancel dropping or order extension of keeping for the extra charge of 50% of the first payment.

We also offer anonymous secret reception service. Professionally trained anonymous secret recipients will be delivered your secrets for the additional payment of 500 USD for one secret sharing per recipient per year. Pay only 250 USD for each additional year or cancel the service for just 300 USD.

You can publish your secrets on this webpage for 250 USD per sentence (no more than 35 words in one sentence). We reserve the right to edit and reject inappropriate contents.

You can choose the way secrets are delivered. We can mail, phone or meet recipients personally (you will be charged for our telecommunications, travel and lodging expenses in advance).

You will have to pay an extra charge of 100 USD per person for group secret sharing when more than 5 persons are exposed to your secret.

You can save your money by ordering standard secrets from our thumbnail Grand Catalogue of Standard Secrets. Just buy our catalogue for 1800 USD. Sample secrets:

Your sexual life: “Your husband [Name] has a mistress [name, surname, date of birth, marital status, phone number and address of the mistress]” Secret delivered to wife by phone only for 150 USD.
Your work & career “Your emploee [name] spends most of his/her time surfing the internet at work, sometimes he/she picks his/her nose and watches closely at what he/she has found” delivered to your boss in person only for 700 USD excluding travel and lodging expenses.

You can order all our services by writing to totallysurest@yahoo.com
Do not be shy, enjoy sharing yourself with others.

Dedicated to serve you

Our team is dedicated to fight consumerism ruining quality of human interaction and natural environment. Why shall you spend your money on goods, entertainment or services when you can allocate it to initiatives which seek to restore the lost balance between our inner self and the world?
Look at the list of things we request funding for or offer for a modest price (read posts in this blog for further information) and pick up stuff you like:

1. Friend Purchase Competition
2. Boost your Self-Importance (Society for the Relief of Dwarfs membership)
3. ANTIUFO front and Aliens Detection Foundation
4. Report Stupid, Mad or Sad? Aliens Unraveled
5. Cash Disposal Service
6. Business Farting Report
7. Gravesite body allocation pay-per-night service
8. Book your own Money Making Machine
9. Win Gratitude and Respect Online Lottery
10. Unclassify (free of charge secrets adoption service)

We are sure that you will readily commit yorself to funding at least some of our ideas or activities. This will let you feel a generous person unafraid to involve with risky, but extremely promising things.
If you do not have money borrow now, because you will never regret.

We will be happy to reply any of your queries. Write to totallysurest@yahoo.com (Strong language accepted)

Friend Purchase Competition

We are happy to offer you our new game designed for those who like extreme pleasure and long-term total satisfaction.
Friend Purchase Competition is our latest product which brings you joy for your money, the easy way.
The only thing you have to do is to send us 100 USD bills in safely sealed envelopes, hidden between pieces of carton. We also ask you to add some funny or interesting message (pictures accepted) to your money which we will publish in this blog. In response we will put our 10 USD bill into the sealed envelop and send it to you together with some funny message for your personal archive or blog.
You may have already understood that it is a game not for the stingy and its success lies in your active participation. Let us say you more precisely what do you gain from participation in this game:
1. You will check the reliability of the postal service in your country
2. You will feel good by providing with cash someone who needs it so badly as to offer this game
3. You will get 10% return on your investment to the game
4. Your message in the envelope will become available to the global audience
5. Recipient of your financial contribution will become your friend for a defined period of time which can be extended by further payments.
The competitive element is built in the game. The senders of 10 first letters which will reach the named address will receive two 10 USD banknotes in return and the special offer of longer-term friendship. The offer will contain a detailed description of activities planned to maintain the friendship and professionally developed recommendations how to make friends without spending money.
Our offer follows the well-established business model (for details see a movie Rent a Friend, movie description http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0201888 )
Send your request for our postal address to totallysurest@yahoo.com

No to violance against aliens

Our ANTIUFO search team strongly condemns violent methods of dealing with irresponsible aliens. They are especially deplorable in the light of the new evidence suggesting that aliens may be mentally retarded or sick. We regret the incident, which, most probably, occurred because of amateurish approach towards the contact on the part of humans.
We strongly deny that the mutilated body accidentally encountered by our team in undisclosed location, when it was on its way to another secret location expecting to encounter the alien we look for (see previous posts), is in any way related to our activities. Our qualified team members who performed the external tactile autopsy of the body confirmed that it belonged to another alien despite its strong visual similarities with our target alien.
We developed our own methodology of dealing with antisocial aliens which is based on latest achievements in
· Multicultural dialogue research
· Group and individual cognitive therapy
· Bioethics
· Business negotiations
· International relations
Our team is committed to the humane treatment of aliens who need reasonable measures of deterrence and, sometimes, no more than advice.

ANTIUFO donoring

We received a large donation from an individual supporting the ANTIUFO FRONT!

His life was made a misery by media reports about disturbances of social life in his native USA and other countries perpetrated by irresponsible aliens. As a person committed to social order and communal harmony, he became so deeply worried about the damage done on a regular basis by beings unaccountable to any national or international authorities, that he had to administer prescription drugs suppressing strong symptoms of general anxiety.

In his letter to us he questioned the idea that aliens may be stupid or insane, but he promised to reconsider his views if our leather-bound report STUPID, MAD OR SAD? ALIENS UNRAVELED (only 450 $) which he ordered to himself and members of his family, appears convincing. We can not disclose the size of his generous donation, but we can say that members of our alien search and scolding expedition will be able to take a few business class flights now.

Aliens exposed

According to the latest ufologist research, indirect evidence such as lack of facial muscles noticeable in pictures, multiple instances of anti-social-behavior, proclivity to hide show that aliens suffer from imbecility. This might be the reason why humans have failed to establish a meaningful contact with them so far. Being considerably inferior to humans in terms of intelligence aliens avoid contacts both because of their inability for more elaborated communication and fear of being exposed as such.
Some acclaimed ufologists suggest that having an access to superior technologies does not necessarily imply high intelligence. Technological progress may have been a lucky surprise or an accidental import (most probably theft) from another alien civilization which has never sent its representatives to the Earth.
Another explanation for seemingly improbable combination of high tech and mental retardation is that the highly developed alien civilization visiting us entered the cycle of universal madness and each alien is a deeply sick individual without a chance of getting proper counseling but with powerful technologies at hand. This might also explain compulsive space traveling syndrome and the exhibitionist tactics in contacting humans.
To read more on aliens in the light of new ufologist theories buy our lether-bound research report Stupid, Mad or Sad? Aliens Unraveled supplied with limited edition CDs with exclusive videos of alien autopsies performed in 1995 – 2005 in secret NATO military laboratories . Price only 450$ per copy. Send us an email message to totallysurest@yahoo.com and we will notify you how you can pay.

Money spending opportunities

This is not some sort of joke.
We are not looking for idiots.
It is neither a swindle nor manipulation.

It is a crystal clear transaction. You dispense with your cash to our benefit and we say thank you.

We invest your money to some obscure or strange business or social initiatives and if we loose we suffer. You don’t, because you gave your money to us for no apparent reason, except for being flattered a bit. OK?

Look through the previous posts and choose what you like - online lottery, money making machine, money acceptance service, Business Farting report, pay-per-night grave service, ANTIUFO front and start giving away your money!
Get rid of your money and let it be us who are worried not you!
Send your email to totallysurest@yahoo.com and we will tell you how to transfer money to us safely.

UFO detection funds

Dear ANTIUFO Activists,

Stop mailing us your pictures of aliens. Currently we concentrate on the particular individual (see previous post) who was especially shameless and insensitive to our values and understanding of socially acceptable behaviour. We think that by seriously encountering one individual alien we will deliver good lesson to others.

What we need now is money, lots of money, since our alien detection operation will cover the whole territory of the United States and some Mexican territories.

ANTIUFO FRONT plans founding COALITION OF ANTIUFO FORCES. You will be able to join it after paying a modest monthly membership fee to be announced later.

UFOS OUT!

WANTED

The ANTI-UFO FRONT is committed to find this alien and communicate the message of outrage about the acts of indecency and intrusion committed, according to multiple reports, in different parts of USA. Our search team is ready to start the operation, but lacks necessary funds for travel (economy class flights only), detection equipment and interpreting. You can fund our work. Send your email to totallysurest@yahoo.com for further information.

Cash disposal service

Latest research shows that giving away money to anonymous applicants who do not necessarily reveal how the money will be spent brings psychological relief and long term mood improvement for affluent people affected by boredom. Experiments conducted with a group of volunteers in several European countries and North America have shown the consistent 90 % mood improvement. Some volunteers reported about considerable improvement in their sex lives. Donating money to the known causes and charities appeared to be considerably less beneficial to the benefactors and some of them even suffered temporary deterioration following the experiment.

TRY IT YOURSELF

We offer confidential cash acceptance service to all those who want to make their lives meaningful. Transfer any amounts of your money to us in order to make yourself happy. You will be awarded a special diploma certifying your donation. We issue several types of diplomas, depending on the size of your donation. Give us no less than 5000 USD and we will send you special hard-cover gold-plated diploma with Donor Medal of Honour. Send your email to totallysurest@yahoo.com for further information.

Short break announcement

Dear Friends,
Today our fundraising team takes the day – off.

• Please, do not send us your credit card details or pin codes.
• Do not transfer money to our bank account in Cayman Isles.
• Don not try to smuggle in cash to our office.
• We are particularly worried that you can order our Business Farting report (read the post below). Please, think twice and do it tomorrow, you will get 5 % discount
• Besides, we were forced to recall all money making machines which were on the way to you. We will send them to you as soon as the necessary replacements are made due to the fluctuation in international currency markets.

WE STRONGLY ADVICE NOT TO SUPPORT ANYBODY ELSE DURING THIS BREAK. ALL OTHER REQUESTS FOR FUNDING ARE FALSE. WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY PROPERLY, IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR TRUE VALUES AND INTERESTS.

Easy quiz

How could you use this picture?:
A) Send as greetings postcard to your granny
B) Print it out and sell as antique to some dumb person
But isn't it better to book a gravesite located in this cemetery for mere 3,5 USD per body per night through us before you die?
Free of charge extras include: Knocking to the heaven’s door equipment (limited offer, for last minute bookings only); in-depth assessment of compatibility with neighboring graves, coffin mobility service for re-location when the paid-up period expires, regular “Don’t forget me" email alerts to friends and family; around the clock underground security and seismic activities monitoring; grave investment schemes so that your money allocated for our services never runs out.
For details send your email to totallysurest@yahoo.com .

This is just beginning

DEAR ALL,

Your huge feedback to Money Making Machine post was a pleasant surprise, but your contributions to Gratitude and Respect Lottery was not so impressive, although we received some generous contributions. We expect larger financial contributions for which our special fundraising initiative ANTI UFO FRONT was designed. However you can donate your money to all three inititiatives. Hurry up and become our leading donors by donating more than 10 000 USD. Currently we consider such donations as significant but things can change.

Our advice is to ignore people who say that donating money to us is a share stupidity. Treat it as fun, albeit expensive one.

Sincerely Yours,

Fundraising team

Fundraising announcement

Since requests to deal with UFOs as a major nuisance to our ordinary and as a rule decently-led lives jammed the normal functioning of this website we are proud to announce the founding of ANTI UFO FRONT with headquarters in Cayman isles. Your financial contributions will be accepted and processed by our professional staff. In order to get our bank account details send an email to totallysurest@yahoo.com . Due to high processing costs we do not accept contributions smaller than 50 USD. You can drop smaller amounts of cash to post-office box in our headquarters.

Speak up for silent majority

UFOs annoy decent people. They appear and vanish without good reason. Creatures sitting inside drive like mad as if their safety belts are perfect. UFOs distract people from serious social issues. People naively seek for contact as if cultural differences are not a major obstacle. More than once UFOs disrupted everyday life of innocent people. They behave as if respect for dignity and privacy does not apply for them. It is important to compile a complete list of problems caused by UFOs and then circulate it to wider international audience. Everybody who wants to contribute write to comments or totallysurest@yahoo.com for further dissemination.

Good news

Hello Dear Friend,
If you read this message you are lucky, because I am your money making machine. In order to learn how your money is being made and where you can find it cover my money management costs. Contact my operator by sending a message to totallysurest@yahoo.com and he (or maybe she? Nobody knows) will tell you how to pay.
Kissing you sweetly,
Your Little Lovely Money Making Machine

Quiz

Guess what’s in the picture:
A) Old lady’s face upside down
B) Dirty balloon
C) Swollen urinary bladder
D) Tourist attraction
You can suggest your own guesses. Write to comments.

Surgeon's Guess

Lobotomy, Bolotomy, Tomoloby, Molotoby
Mytoloby, Bylotomy, Tylomoby, Lotomoby
OK, let's do Lobotomy.

Win gratitude and respect

The online lottery for you

You can hit the jackpot or roll it over. Just send your email to totallysurest@yahoo.com and we will tell you how you can transfer the amount of money of your choice to our bank account.

Please note that your chances of winning are small and will be further affected by the low probability of winner selection procedure which can be cancelled due to the reasons which do not need to be specified at this moment or later.

Also, take a note that the word “lottery” in this text does not follow the usual dictionary definition of the term and, rather, reflects our wish to lend the aforementioned financial transaction recognizable framework.

We guarantee that spending your money will be our sole and inalienable right which can not be relinquished to any other third parties.

The official letter of thanks will be issued and dispatched to you as soon as your money arrives to our account if we deem that the amount deserves our gratitude.

We would also like to assure that your participation in this ‘lottery’ will earn you our deep respect. Duration of respect for you will be calculated by taking into account all individual circumstances and our emotional status at the moment of the decision-taking.
GRATITUDE AND RESPECT LOTTERY LTD.

This is really stupid

This is another picture to download or even forward to others. I did it already.

Crucial insights

Five accidental points about humans:
*All of them are pretty the same
*They tend to be boring to each other
*They waste most of their time for communication
*Their self-importance is even funny sometimes
*One should not pay much attention to them

Message of thanks

Thank you for having mobile phone
Thank you for using PC
Thank you for browsing internet
Not much thanks left for driving a car or watching TV, but anyway thanks you for this either.

Yours faithfully,

Late Modernity

Important note

Please, download this picture or email it to other people. It is less biased on pork than our dinner fantasies.

Unclassify

You can share with me your credit card details and tell me about your annual income. You can also confess about your small and bigger sins. You can inform me about every ugly thing you know about your colleagues at work, and of course, your boss. Also there is no reason to keep little dirty secrets of your friends to yourself. Next in line are your real deepest wishes, most probably destructive and unacceptable to others. I also would like to learn about them. My imagination is too poor to list all things you might want to tell me, so go on and disclose all kinds of confidential stuff. In exchange I promise nothing. And I promise I will stick to my word.
Write about your deepest secrets to totallysurest@yahoo.com

Your needs served

Lonely mother dating ad:
No more words. Nipples, soft toys, long sleep. Back to infancy.

Some mnemonics

Reading newspapers causes irreparable damage to the news; they enter and vanish from our spoiled memory. One shall carve each news item in the stone. The effort and time spent on this will make the news worth remembering. One would just need to choose what is worth carving.

Technology is a miracle

Empty head. Deleting its contents was not difficult. We just clicked all the right buttons on the touch screen face.

Reflection

Why don't we have windows instead of mirrors?

Small advice

Why should you overstretch yourself? Do not talk, do not reply. Forget your friends, avoid your kin. Go on alone at least for half a day.

Monday is better

Monday is better, you encounter more signs: Coca Cola, Microsoft, United Colors of Beneton, Citizen, Panasonic. You walk in the street or sit in the office and have these signs around you. Branding is better than naming.

Sunday daydream

And heaven will collapse;
Stars will splash over your face;
The demons full of boiling water,
The dwarfs with little iron fists,
The earthworms with their crystal eyes
will come to see you
Just before you come to senses.